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1-Page Summary of The State of Affairs

Overview

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity is an examination of infidelity in romantic relationships, as well as a way to explore what affairs can teach all lovers about healthy relationships. It takes a non-judgmental approach to the motivations of cheaters and outside lovers, as well as to the contributions of betrayed partners in relationship crises.

Infidelity is hard to define, but it usually involves being sexually and emotionally involved with someone other than your partner, while keeping that involvement a secret. People aren’t honest about infidelity; estimates say between 30% and 70% of men and women cheat on their partners. In America, which is an individualistic society where people are used to getting what they want when they want it, cheating has become more common over the years. A lot of people nowadays see relationships as consumer goods or services that can be compared, consumed, and replaced if unsatisfied with them. Dating apps contribute to this type of objectification by making it easier for people to find new lovers outside their relationship. At the same time many Americans feel isolated so deep connection is important for them and they’re devastated when their partners cheat on them because of how much pain they go through in those situations.

People cheat because there is something missing in their primary relationship. Some people cheat to find themselves, others to escape from or towards the past, and still others do it just for fun. It depends on a lot of factors including class, gender, and immigration status. Infidelity definitely hurts the other person but not as much as violence does.

When having an affair, it is sometimes better to keep your past indiscretion hidden rather than being completely open about it.

Once the secret is out, there should be enough time to grieve over the situation and make amends. The partner who has cheated on his spouse can do things that will help him repair their relationship. For example, he can go above and beyond expectations to make up for what he did wrong. It may also help if both partners in a marriage evaluate how they contributed to problems in their relationship so that they can fix them before it’s too late.

People who have been cheated on learn a lot from that experience. They can use it to strengthen their relationships by allowing their partners more freedom and finding ways to breach sexual boundaries together. Polyamory is another way of structuring a relationship so that cheating isn’t necessary, which helps reduce the desire to stray.

Infidelity is a natural part of human nature. However, it can be conceived differently to make it more acceptable and less hurtful.

Key Point 1: Infidelity takes many forms, but it typically involves emotional connection, sexual chemistry, and stealth.

Romantic disloyalty is a complex issue. Some say it includes sexual affairs, strip clubs, and emotional infidelity while others maintain that it refers strictly to having sex with someone other than your partner. An affair may last for one night or decades. However, there are three characteristics shared by most affairs: an emotional connection to the person who’s not your partner; a physical attraction; and secrecy about the relationship from those around you.

Emotional affairs are complicated, and they can be just as damaging as a physical affair. A recent article in the Washington Post discusses how to identify an emotional affair and what it means for your relationship. The first step is recognizing that if you’re spending more time with someone else than with your primary partner, there may be trouble brewing. Psychotherapist Stacy Notaras Murphy told the Post that this can lead to a “feedback loop.” If you’re not putting enough energy into your relationship, it will suffer. She recommends asking yourself whether or not you would be okay with your partner reading texts and emails between you and the person who has become more than just friends. This can help evaluate whether or not outside relationships are appropriate (or even necessary). You should also take note of any changes in sex life since starting up an outside relationship; sometimes they enhance sexual activity but other times they sap sexual energy from the primary partners’ connection. Another sign of trouble is if one partner frequently refers to their new friend when talking to his/her primary partner; this could mean that he’s connecting too closely with the other person while neglecting his main partnership