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1-Page Summary of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

Overview

This book provides insight into the science of adult attachment, which is how people form relationships. It also offers tips and tricks on how to find the perfect partner, as well as why some people are incompatible with each other.

Most of us want to live in perfect relationships, but that’s not always possible. Relationships can be stressful and full of conflict. However, we can improve our relationships by resolving problems and reducing the amount of tension between people.

John M. Gottman has been studying relationships for years, and he’s identified seven fundamental problems that most couples face. These problems can be solved by implementing the seven principles listed in this book.

If you read this article, you’ll learn how to eliminate marriage stress by waking up ten minutes earlier every day. You’ll also discover the best ways to communicate with your mother-in-law and why boring conversations are actually good for successful marriages.

Big Idea #1: Couples who are in love have a detailed understanding of each other.

If you have a spouse, it’s likely that you know plenty of special information about them. You might even be privy to their secrets or private thoughts. However, did you know that your brain actually stores this personal information in a love map?

The more you know about your partner, the stronger your relationship.

There are several cases of divorce where couples didn’t know each other very well. They didn’t spend enough time with one another to develop a love map, which is the foundation for true intimacy and understanding of your partner. Without that knowledge, how can you truly love someone?

Take the example of Rory, a pediatrician who worked at an intensive care unit for babies. He often slept at the hospital overnight and was very busy with his work. However, he didn’t know much about his family’s life or what they did on weekends. In fact, he had become so wrapped up in work that he had lost touch with his wife and children. His love map needed some serious updating.

It’s important to have a clear sense of what you want in life and how that might change when you’re with someone else.

Maggie and Ken knew each other for a while before they got married and had a child. Maggie was dedicated to her career as a computer scientist, but when she had their daughter, she put the career aside in order to stay at home with the baby. Ken saw that his wife changed after having kids.

Becoming a parent changes one’s priorities and values. Maggie had to realign her love map with the new priorities, and Ken had to do the same thing.

Big Idea #2: If a couple has a system of fondness and admiration, then their marriage can be saved.

If you and your spouse are having marital problems, how can you tell if it’s worth trying to fix them? The key is to think about the good times that you’ve had together.

To see if a couple still have fondness and admiration for each other, ask them about their history.

If there are positive feelings left in a relationship, partners will remember the good times they had. However, if that relationship is on its last legs, recalling those happy memories will be like pulling teeth.

The way we see our past with our spouse is important for a happy future. If you and your partner have a positive view of your history together, you’re likely to be happy in the future.

Remember the pediatrician Rory from earlier? He discussed how he fell in love with his wife and wanted to feel that way again. To fix his problem, he changed his work schedule so he could be home for dinner every night.