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1-Page Summary of Thanks for the Feedback
Overview
Most people dread receiving feedback. It’s a stressful, anxiety-inducing experience that can make us feel inadequate or frustrated. But it doesn’t have to be this way! In Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (2014), authors and Harvard professors Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen propose that we should stop focusing on the giver’s intentions when giving feedback. Instead, they argue that it’s our responsibility to learn how to receive criticism better by identifying what kind of feedback we’re getting—and why. By learning how to distinguish between different types of feedback, as well as each person’s unspoken expectations, the process becomes more beneficial for both parties involved in the exchange—and less anxiety-inducing overall!
Feedback problems arise from how people interpret and react to the feedback, rather than the words used. For example, a father coaches his two daughters on their soccer team. One girl interprets her father’s advice as encouragement while the other sees it as criticism. This is because she thinks he doesn’t like her playing style. If he gives more positive comments instead of negative ones or compliments when she does something right, then both girls will be happy with what they hear. However, in adult relationships, this insight rarely occurs since one person thinks that another isn’t listening whereas they thought they were doing so well at communicating. A husband who remembers that his wife hates roses still gives them to her anyway because he didn’t know better, and his wife gets angry at him for not listening to what she said about roses before.
To receive good feedback, you need to know how your own personality and perception of the world affect how you react to that feedback. Everyone has a baseline and a swing level. The baseline is what they are like when nothing happens; their swing is how much they change from their baseline depending on what happens. You can’t change either of these things, but by understanding them, you can better understand yourself and others so that you can interpret the meaning of any given piece of feedback more accurately.
It’s important to know how you and others receive feedback. People who don’t learn from what they hear will have poor relationships and their careers will stall. Those who take the time to understand different points of view will gain insights that help them grow personally and professionally.
Key Point 1: The key to a successful exchange of feedback isn’t in how the feedback is given, but rather in how it is received.
Most people who give feedback want to improve their communication skills. Studies show that how you deliver your feedback is important, but the intended audience needs to be receptive in order for it to work. Therefore, spending more time focusing on how an individual receives and processes your feedback can help improve the process. Employers, parents, and teachers often try different tactics like reiterating their advice or attaching conditions to it (like rewards) in order to get a person’s attention when they’re reluctant to hear what they have say. However, if you remove obstacles that are rooted in pre-existing emotional or mental barriers then the receiver will be able to listen without prejudice and ultimately accept whatever you’re saying.
Key Point 2: Feedback is often immediately rejected because it emotionally triggers the recipient.
There are three types of triggers that prevent people from giving feedback. These triggers are truth triggers, relationship triggers and identity triggers. A truth trigger is activated when a statement appears to flatly contradict a perceived truth about the person or situation being discussed. This can lead to exasperation and indignation. For example, if someone’s husband tells her that she wasn’t as social at the wedding as she could have been, even though she felt like she was friendly enough under difficult circumstances, then this would be an example of a truth trigger coming into play in their relationship because his opinion contradicts what he thinks is true about his wife’s behavior in such situations.
