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1-Page Summary of Option B

Overview

Loss is hard, but the key to recovering from tragedy and trauma is to nurture your resilience. You can do this by leaning on friends and groups instead of relying solely on yourself. If you know someone who’s going through a tough time, don’t just give them space; acknowledge their pain and offer specific things that you can help with.

When Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, lost her husband suddenly at age 45 with two small children in elementary school, she was thrown into a spiral of shock and grief.

During this difficult time, the author found comfort in her friend’s support. Her friend gave her scientific studies that helped them both cope with grief and adjust to Option B – living without Dave.

You’ll learn how to overcome three key problems: The Mum Effect, the dangers of grief, and why your loved ones need a panic button.

Big Idea #1: When faced with a traumatic situation, one must deal with “the three Ps.”

If you’ve experienced personal tragedy or any traumatic life-changing event, it can change your outlook.

Psychologist Martin Seligman has identified three ways people respond to tragedy. The first is personalization: blaming yourself for the tragedy.

Sheryl Sandberg was devastated when her husband died during a vacation in Mexico. She blamed herself for not watching him closely enough, thinking it was her fault that he fell and hit his head on an exercise machine.

Sheryl’s brother, a neurosurgeon, thought that the initial report was wrong. He tried to convince her that falling from such a small height couldn’t be fatal.

The second autopsy proved that Sheryl’s husband had died from a heart condition. He’d never been diagnosed with it, but the first autopsy showed no evidence of heart disease.

After her husband died, Sheryl Sandberg asked herself if she could have done anything differently. She was also told that it wasn’t her fault and that no single lifestyle change would’ve saved him. However, the pain of his death affected every aspect of her life. To cope with this grief, they held a Shiva (a week-long Jewish mourning period) where family and friends gathered to pray for their loved one’s soul. Afterward, Sheryl attended work but felt like the sadness was overwhelming everything else in her life.

Sheryl was having a hard time at work. She would get emotional and start crying during meetings, which made her feel even worse. This brings us to the concept of permanence – feeling like your pain will last forever.

When we’re depressed, it’s easy to think that the load is so big that we’ll never be able to get out of it. However, in the next key point, we will learn how to move on.

Big Idea #2: Resilience is the key to resuming a joyful life.

The three P’s (pain, process and people) can be a heavy burden to bear. But it is possible to overcome grief by finding resilience. One way of doing this is to acknowledge the fact that pain is inevitable in life, as well as aging, sickness and death. This realization helps lessen the suffering associated with these things and conquer your demons.

It’s also important to appreciate the good things in life. One way that can be done is by keeping a daily record of your emotional state.

To get better at something, you need to acknowledge what you’re feeling and process it. Otherwise, if you ignore your feelings or suppress them, they’ll just stick around for longer.

Sheryl Sandberg kept a journal by her bed, and every night she wrote down three things that made her happy from the day before.

She also began to keep a list of her accomplishments, even the smallest ones. For example, she would write down when she got to work on time or if she did the laundry. She would make a note of any small thing that made her happy or proud.