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1-Page Summary of Mating in Captivity
Overview
If you’re having trouble communicating your sexual desires to a partner, try opening up two email accounts. Use them as an outlet for sharing fantasies with each other. This way, you can talk about sex in private without worrying about what the person might think of you. Over time, this will make it easier for both of you to communicate about sex when you’re together.
Remember the early days of romance with your partner? There was that delicious anticipation you felt before a date, and how thrilling it was to share your first kiss. You both confessed your love for each other, and you were able to grow emotionally closer together as a couple. Eventually, life got in the way and made passion fade away from your relationship. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that passion is gone forever; there’s still hope for reconnecting with each other on an emotional level through simple things like cooking together or playing sports.
Commitment doesn’t have to kill your sex life. You can still feel that burning passion you once felt for each other, so long as you understand what keeps passion alive. It’s important to be selfish in a relationship and not let egalitarianism rule the bedroom; admitting when you like someone else helps keep your partner interested; and it’s okay to want more than one person at a time.
Big Idea #1: Passion fades when we expect our partners to be the primary source of our happiness.
Humans are contradictory creatures, longing for both security and passion. We feel secure when we have a stable relationship with someone who’s consistent and predictable. However, passion thrives on danger, mystery, and the unexpected. The key message here is that if you expect your partner to be your main source of security in life, then it will kill any sense of passion you might have had for them. Therefore, it’s important to create an infrastructure around yourself that provides you with a sense of security so that there’s less pressure on your partner or spouse to do all those things for you.
Adele was in a relationship with Alan for seven years. She had a 5-year-old daughter and was happy most of the time. But she didn’t feel like a sexual being, only as someone who was married and had children. Passion wasn’t there because they’d created routines to manage their busy lives together, which eventually killed passion between them.
So, how do partners find a balance between security and eroticism? We must start by letting go of the fantasy that love will last forever. Death could end even the most loving relationship. In accepting this reality, we can stop clinging to routines in our relationships that make us feel safe. This guides us into a place where we can rediscover mystery in our partner. And mystery arouses excitement.
One day, Adele and Alan were at a work function. Adele observed how attractive Alan was to her. She noticed that he wasn’t just her husband; instead, she saw him as someone who was smart and sexy. It turned her on!
It can be difficult to look at your partner as an individual, because that threatens the sense of security you have in your relationship. However, if you find the courage to view them as someone who is separate from yourself and work with this new perspective, then you’ll constantly discover new things about them and will help reignite passion in your relationship.
Big Idea #2: Couples must retain their individuality in order to keep the passion alive.
If you’ve listened to the radio today, you might have heard a song about two lovers becoming one. However, while closeness fosters love, it suffocates eroticism.
