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1-Page Summary of Just Listen
Persuasion at Gunpoint
A man is sitting in his car with a shotgun. He’s at a mall parking lot, and the police are trying to negotiate with him. The situation is very dangerous, so they’re using Mark Goulston as their negotiator.
The negotiator asks a question: “I’m sure you’ve tried everything else and are left with only one option. Is that right?”
The man with the shotgun thinks for a moment before responding, “You’re right. Nobody knows and nobody cares!”
A negotiator’s question resonated with the gunman, who agreed. This was a step toward a peaceful resolution. Most people push too hard when trying to persuade others. They use arguments and facts to support their position rather than convincing them. Instead of pushing, you should listen and empathize with those you’re trying to sway so they’ll buy into your ideas instead of resisting them or simply considering them.
It helps to understand how the human brain works when trying to persuade people. There are three parts of the brain: * The lower part, or reptile, is responsible for fight-or-flight reactions. * The middle part, or mammal, handles emotions and logic originates in the upper part of the primate brain. * If a person’s amygdala reacts first during a threat situation, it will be difficult to reason with them because their thinking has been hijacked by their emotional reaction. However, if you can get through before they react emotionally then you have a chance at persuasion.
“Nine Basic Rules”
When you’re stressed, your body goes into fight-or-flight mode. It takes a while to calm down and get back to normal. You can shift from freak out mode quickly if you label what you feel instead of thinking about it in abstract terms. For example, saying “I’m angry” is better than thinking “I hate that person.” Labeling emotions with concrete words puts the logical part of your brain to work and helps you calm down more quickly. Once you do that, then you’ll be able to communicate with people effectively.
Even if you think you are a good listener, it’s important to be aware that your preconceived notions about others influence how you interpret what they say or do. If your young, scattered receptionist forgets to give your package to the messenger, for example, you might jump to the conclusion that she’s incompetent. But if later on in the day you find out she spent the night in the emergency room with her grandmother and was preoccupied with other matters when she forgot about your package, then you would revise your opinion of her. First impressions can prevent us from hearing the real person behind them. It is important to focus on our reactions so we can discern which thoughts are grounded in reality and which ones are based on misconceptions.
When you show people that you understand them, they feel understood. This makes them less lonely and more open to what you have to say. So instead of focusing on yourself, try and figure out what the other person is feeling by saying “I’m trying to get a sense of how you’re feeling right now.”
“Be more interested than interesting” – Most people try to impress others and be clever. However, when you’re trying too hard to impress the other person, you don’t let them talk and get to know them better. Instead of focusing on yourself during a conversation, ask questions about the other person’s life and listen carefully so that they can reflect on their own ideas.
Everyone wants to feel important. When you tell people that they matter, they’ll be loyal and regardful of you. Letting great people know that you value them is easy; the challenge is showing annoying people that you value them. Yet, even those who are irritating want love and attention, so when they get it, they’ll respond positively.
