Games People Play Book Summary, by M.D. Eric Berne

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1-Page Summary of Games People Play

Overview

When a friend asks for advice when she knows that you’re not an expert in the area, it’s likely that she wants to act like a Child. Instead of offering her solutions, just say that the problem is difficult and ask her what she thinks should be done about it. That will get her thinking and show her that you respect her as an adult.

Although you might not realize it, most people are game players.

After reading this, you should have a better understanding of the games people play. The author provides insights into how to spot these games and what they mean in relationships between all kinds of people.

In this article, you’ll learn about the games couples start playing when the honeymoon ends and why people play them. Also, you’ll discover why it’s important to stop playing those games and how it can help your relationship.

Big Idea #1: Everyone has three different ego states: parent, adult and child.

You might have noticed that there are some recurring behavioral patterns in people. The author certainly did, and he observed thousands of patients to come up with his theory. He posited that when interacting with other people, they behave from one of three ego states: parent, child and adult. These states comprise systems of feelings, thoughts and behaviors developed over a lifetime. Which state you’re acting from at any given moment depends on your past experience as well as the present situation.

For instance, children imitate their parents and other people they look up to. This is how the Parent ego state comes about. For instance, if your mom shouted at you when you did something wrong as a child, you may unconsciously adopt this behavior in adulthood by shouting at your own kids when they do something wrong. Of course, the Parent state doesn’t have to be negative—it can also be positive.

Then there is the Adult ego state, which allows us to make rational decisions. It develops as we reflect on our experiences throughout childhood and allow us to tackle problems with logical thinking. This state emerges when you ask someone not to eat popcorn in a movie theater or analyze an engine problem so that it can be fixed.

Finally, the Child ego state is a spontaneous way of being that we’re born with. It’s the origin of our emotions and creativity, but it can get buried beneath the Parent and Adult states. However, you can free your Child from these influences by returning to childhood spontaneity.

For example, we often act from the Child state during sex – an activity that isn’t taught by parents or learned consciously.

Big Idea #2: Games are interactions between ego states.

So, we have different ego states. How do we use that information? Well, it helps us to understand the many kinds of games people play.

Whenever you communicate with someone, you interact from one of your ego states. For example, you might be acting from your Parent state and the other person is reacting from his Child state or vice versa. Sometimes it’s obvious when this happens, like when scolding a partner for not doing the dishes (Parent-Child), but sometimes it isn’t so clear. You might think that communicating about planning a trip with a friend is Adult-Adult communication, but on closer inspection it turns out to be Parent-Child communication. This can happen because what appears to be the goal on the surface isn’t actually the real goal at all.

When you’re flirting with someone, it’s a game. For instance, imagine that a man is talking to a woman and at the end of the night he asks if she’d like to see his record collection. She says that she likes records too. They’re having fun and enjoying their flirtatious conversation without really saying what they want from each other. Of course, both people are trying to have sex but they don’t say so directly; instead they talk about something else – in this case records – while wanting something else entirely.