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1-Page Summary of Emotional Agility
Overview
“I’m not good enough,” “If only I were a better partner,” and “I’ll never be able to handle that presentation tomorrow” are all thoughts that many people have.
Unfortunately, it’s common for our inner voice to sound like a drill sergeant who makes harsh judgments and creates negative emotions. It’s important to learn how to see these self-deprecating words for the distortions that they are. You’ll be presented with ways to unhook yourself from unhelpful patterns and negative emotions created by your mind’s stories. When you’re emotionally agile, you deal with your emotions as they arise, which is sure to benefit all of your relationships and work situations.
You will also learn that you don’t have to force a smile if you’re not in the mood. It’s okay to downplay your weaknesses and it actually makes you less self-confident when claiming to like playing golf.
Big Idea #1: The human brain can create distorted stories based on lived experience.
It’s been known that great movies have a hook, which is a device that motivates the characters and gets the story moving. But hooks exist outside of film, too. In fact, we often get hooked into our lives in the same way. From one moment to the next, our brains are constantly trying to make sense of our experiences and turn them into stories about ourselves. They create narratives from billions of pieces of sensory input. For instance, my basic “story” goes like this: “I am waking up and getting out of bed.” The small person jumping at me is my daughter; I grew up in Johannesburg but live now in New York City; I need to get up today because I’m a social worker.” As long as things are simple and positive it’s not tricky. But if they’re not accurate then it can be problematic because misrepresentation produces negative emotions such as blaming yourself for your parents’ divorce or thinking you’ll always be unloved because you were shy when you were young.
When people are upset, they tend to filter their thoughts in a way that makes them feel worse. For example, you might have an argument with your boss and then go home and yell at your spouse for forgetting to run the dishwasher. This happens all the time when there’s conflict between two people because one person may not address it directly.
People often perceive their lives in a way that makes them unhappy. For example, they may feel like they’re not good enough or don’t have what it takes to succeed. This book will help people see how unrealistic those perceptions are and learn the skills needed to change their outlook on life so they can be happier.
What is the Fix for this Mess?
Big Idea #2: Pretending we’re happy gets us nowhere – and negative emotions can have an upside.
Some people are constantly cheerful and optimistic. It’s hard to imagine that they could be happy after a breakup or the loss of a loved one, but they seem to be able to smile through anything.
People tend to think that positive thinking will make them feel better. However, it’s not true. Positive thinking doesn’t help people in tough situations. In fact, it can do more harm than good because forcing yourself to be optimistic when you’re feeling down can actually make things worse for you.
Researchers from the University of California at Berkeley examined class photographs of a women’s college and found that some students smiled genuinely, while others forced it.
People can tell when someone is fake, and they don’t like it. Genuine smiles involve the whole face, while fake smiles only involve the mouth. When researchers followed up with people thirty years later, they found that genuine smilers were more successful in their careers and personal lives than fakers were.
