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1-Page Summary of Attached
Overview
A book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love (2010) by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explains how attachment theory can help people find love. This theory studies the ways in which people interact with others, especially those they are close to. Two researchers noticed that babies would cry when their mothers left a room, so they came up with three different types of attachment styles based on these reactions. Their explanation for why humans have attachments is that it helps them survive because caring about others makes them want to protect them from danger. People have different attachment styles depending on what situations require more or less protection from danger.
There are three attachment styles in adults. They are secure, anxious, and avoidant. If people are comfortable with intimacy and have low anxiety surrounding relationships, they have a secure attachment style. If people avoid intimacy, they have an avoidant attachment style. If people are comfortable with intimacy but highly anxious about relationships, they have an anxious attachment style. People can use knowledge of how these attachment styles affect their interpersonal interactions to determine what their needs manifest as in intimate relationships.
Key Point 1: In intimate relationships, emotional responsibility is shared.
It’s best if two people in a relationship can fulfill each other’s emotional needs. This mutual dependency helps them to be emotionally stable. Physical affection is one way to show your love for someone and express your emotional need for that person. For example, hugs and kisses help you feel secure when the world around you seems unpredictable or dangerous.
It might seem counterintuitive, but relying on others can actually lead to greater independence. When you have someone who is there for you, it allows you the freedom and security to tackle new situations. They provide support with your goals outside of the relationship, which helps build confidence in yourself while helping them achieve their own goals. However, if only one person gives emotional support in a relationship and the other takes without giving back, then that may cause frustration and anxiety for both parties involved.
When there is an imbalance of affection, it can have a negative effect on your physical and mental health. This can lead to mood disorders, anxiety, acquired immune deficiencies, depression and difficulty expressing or interpreting emotions. It also makes it more difficult to form secure relationships.
Social support is also important in romantic relationships. The greater the amount of social support, the less emotional distress there will be. Social support can come from a variety of sources, including family and friends. If someone doesn’t receive enough social support from their partner, it can lead to depression or other forms of emotional distress because they’re not getting what they need emotionally from that relationship.
Key Point 2: Expressing attachment needs is crucial for effective communication.
It’s important to be open about your emotional needs in order to communicate well. It can also help you find a partner who is compatible with you. A potential partner should want to know and understand your attachment needs, as there are many possible partners for each person. The right communication can help anyone identify the ideal companion.
Communication is the exchange of information between two or more people. It includes both content and relational aspects, which are based on the participants’ relationship with each other. Miscommunication can occur when one party misinterprets either kind of communication. When this happens, the conversation loses its symmetry; it’s no longer shared meaning between them. The more symmetrical a conversation, the closer they are as a couple because they share common interpretations in their conversations, especially about intimate topics like feelings and emotions.
