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1-Page Summary of Conversational Intelligence
Pleased to Meet You: On Three Levels
Conversational Intelligence functions on three levels. The lowest level is asking and answering questions, sharing information or conducting transactions. The next level is sharing viewpoints and trying to guide others toward them in positional conversations. At the highest level, people speak and listen in order to co-create reality together in a transforming conversation. People are hardwired for Level III conversations but negative emotions often interfere with reception of trust which allows relationships to flourish
Part I – Trust and Distrust in Conversations
When you trust people, you’re more likely to listen to them. When you don’t trust someone, your brain shuts down and it’s harder for you to pay attention. The amygdala (the emotional center of the brain) is activated when someone doesn’t have faith in another person; the prefrontal cortex (the rational part of the brain) is activated when one does have faith in another person.
The first meeting or conversation can lead to a healthy relationship, which is beneficial for both parties involved. However, it could also lead to an unhealthy one if certain factors are not present. A healthy conversation involves a lack of harm and punishment because you trust each other enough to express different points of view on the subject matter at hand.
According to scientists, a person’s brain shuts down rational thinking when they’re faced with a perceived threat. This is called an “amygdala hijack.” When this happens, you should be aware that your brain has shut off rational thinking and try some alternative reactions. For example:
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step back and take some time out to breathe.
In order to become more stress-free, we must identify the things that cause us stress. We can learn how to interrupt our patterns of stress by becoming aware of them and shifting our mindset from distrust and fear towards trust.
Case History: Rob, the “I-Centric Leader”
Many employees complained about Rob, a Verizon executive. They said that he was unprofessional and had no business being in management. People begged for him to be fired or moved to another department so they didn’t have to work with him anymore.
Rob said that he exercises leadership by giving his employees homework about how to lead, making them revise their work until it meets his standards and checking in with them when he’s out of town. Rob considers himself a “best practice leader.” He asked if his employees were reaching their potential and responded that most aren’t so they need more motivation and pushing.
The author of this passage is talking about Rob, who was a leader with an “I-centric” perspective. He had little to no interest in the perspectives of others and treated his employees like children. The coach advised him to start asking his employees for their ideas instead of making them ask for permission when they wanted to talk about something that interested them. This simple change allowed Rob’s staff members to feel more valued and respected at work, which led to better productivity from everyone involved.
“Moving from Distrust to Trust”
When the amygdala hijacks your brain, it releases cortisol and prevents you from thinking clearly. However, when you bond with others on an emotional level, oxytocin is released that supports positive responses. Most people want to do well at work. When their performance suffers, they might become fearful or angry. Even worse than those emotions are embarrassment or resentment when a boss criticizes them in front of other colleagues.
